art: Picasso
The
impact of Cancer diagnosis
This is an extract from a novel I have been writing
called “Closer to your heart” It is
about a dynamic couple that have a great loving and creative relationship that
is invaded by Lisa finding a breast lump.
Lisa is a successful business woman and her life is turned upside down
with her diagnosis of breast cancer. She in the early stage of this journey
shuts out her husband Charles, but together they work with this new journey
that life has brought them.
A
day in a muddle
Lisa felt her mind to be disjointed with thoughts and
feelings. Nothing making sense anymore. Thoughts flying in slow motion around
in her head that brought feelings of being in an unreal world. Everyone was using the usual markers of
appointment times and the hours in the day, but since the words of the doctor
were heard she felt in a muzzy and fuzzy world. Showering and dressing was out
of habit but took longer due to freeze frames of finding herself staring at the
misty tiles of the shower unit. Or
gazing into the light filled stream of water from the shower that cascaded
around her body. Her body not feeling to
belong to her anymore, numbed from the usual sensations of warmth and cleansing
and perfumed smells of her favourite shower gels.
Looking in the mirror she could see a face
but could no longer see it has hers, rather some image looking back at her as
if independently saying “who are you?”
She struggled to find the new identity those words spoken
by the doctor had given her. She was a cancer patient not just Lisa but a
cancer patient. It was almost as if she had been placed in a new room of her
life that she did not recognise. This new
identity bore no resemblance to anything she owned nor reflected any part of
her. She was in a dulled world with no way of knowing how to get out this
surreal world. A world that forbade her to retrace her steps back to the world
she had known full of vibrancy and energy and plans for the future. A place now in this new time that felt full of illusions and
nothing to grasp to give her direction. Nothing made sense, was this a dream to
wake from. All her senses dulled.
As if in the distance in some outer world she could just
about smell the coffee that Maria her housekeeper was making. She would eat the
breakfast prepared but as if an automaton with no taste or sharpening of mind. Her
mind in some fog with her thoughts heard echoing in that fog enclave, the strongest
thought of all was a question that kept coming over and over again- Why has
this invaded her life? Then a panic
button pressed in her head to think this invasion in her life could take her
life. Then an all engulfing thought that
overwhelmed her in a tidal wave of pain, that she could die.
She looked up at Charles and Maria on the patio where she loved to have her morning breakfast. She smiled and said quietly almost in a whisper, “its ok it
will be a mistake the results could be wrong.”
This was it the fog for the moment became clear – yes it was a mistake
maybe they muddled the test results with someone else. They did not belong to her. The word cancer
did not belong to her. She did not need
to claim it – it could take no claim on her.
It was not hers to claim or even acknowledge.
It pained Charles to see his beautiful Lisa wandering
round lost in the house, half dressed and none of her usual make up ready for
the day ahead. Rather now she looked like some survivor of a bombing and was
dazed. But then has he reflected on that thought – yes a bombshell had hit
their lives, shattering all that was familiar.
He put a hand on her shoulder and turned her to face him. Fixing her gaze with his and saying,
“Lisa we will get through this. We can fight it together.”
He pulled her closer to him and she could feel the warmth
and the strength of him. His arms around her felt to cocoon her and protect her
from the weird world she had found herself in. She stood with him holding her
tight falling into his chest and arms. Then in the safety of his hold she let go with her knees buckling under
her. She screamed over and over again – “I don’t
want this!” and then the tears came in floods blurring her eyes.
Charles held her tight and felt impotent against the
anguish she was in. What could he do to save his wife. He stroked her hair and kissed her and whispered over and
over again “I love you Lisa you are my lady and we will fight this together” he gently pulled her away from him to look her in her
eyes and added, “we will win Lisa we will win”
Maria ran into the kitchen, her apron pulled up to dry
her eyes, she could not bear seeing such a loving couple facing this pain. She
even felt guilty why couldn’t it be her instead. She looked at the Madonna
picture she had pinned on the wall and prayed that Lisa would be made well.
MarjFaith
