Review of course material

I am going to pick out some points from the Understanding Depression course I attended yesterday with the Community Mental Health team.  I am pulled to this point that do people have to look depressed to have depression.  There are times when in the depths of it not only can we look depressed and dishevelled but are often hidden away for no one to see this wave of the dark cave we are in.  Many can be out and about wearing a "mask" of everything being OK but deep down are in massive pain with some worry or memories of abuse and feelings of low self esteem.... Depression is not like a skin wound that can be seen by others it is very personal to the person experiencing it...There can be diurnal patterns... I, recently with the pain I am in of lack of financial dignity and being forbidden my state pension, can often take time to wake and to be fully operational... There is a sickening feeling of waking to another day with the same problem that does not go away... no matter how hard you try to find solutions you wake to the trap of the problem that is plaguing you.  So mornings may never wish anyone to see the state I am in..I can find it difficult to hold a conversation and lose my track of thought if I do try to communicate.. it may take to midday or afternoon before I can crack open from the dark oppressive and deeply painful feelings... So then to be seen in the afternoon and evening would not be seen to be depressed by others... I can even laugh and find a sense of humour in me about situations....yet the core of me is in pain - my identity lost in the pain of the inner torment.  This last point is important part of the healing therapy that is to reconnect with the inner you the true identity of you.... This I felt very strongly yesterday with the group workshop on Understanding Depression. I, in that day felt I had reconnected to me MARJORIE and to Sr Marjorie has do not forget I have been a practising clinician as a nurse and midwife... to be a patient is in fact and id I do not want I would rather be helping others.  So this can hurt being found to be in need of care and support.  Last night this feeling of being me and in control got jolted when I opened the letter from the DWP to find not only my welfare support stopped but my p45 returned with a strong message I must find paid work until the new retirement age of 66yrs and I am 64yrs..
I could not sleep I was also in pain as I did not want to lose the feeling I had had earlier of being in control and on the right path to get healing and wellness again...... it took till around 4 am to go to sleep... and pow! I woke in the dark cave disorientated and crying that how the hell can my country do this to me.... here I am trying my best to find solutions and constantly knocked down by the malpolicies of the present government and ill thought out welfare reforms that are making folk ill not supporting them to wellness.. There is a strong drive to get everyone back into work even if sick or elderly!!  Even if like me have worked since 1969!  I had to ring the crisis team to let them know that all the good work of the workshop and the feeling of getting myself back on track had been blown by the battering of the failings of the DWP and another letter.. This afternoon I had a review with my GP and she is concerned that this stress is having a negative impact on my physical and mental well being..... 

So when folk say to someone "you don't look depressed!" how do they know can they see inside the pain you are in..... do they know the full extent of the feelings and emotions you wrestle with..... the sentence is a sentence to be put into a stigmatised category that you cannot possibly be ill and you are scrounging on the welfare... well sorry but I have paid in a considerable amount over my life time to the taxation and NI that support NHS and welfare in the UK surely I am entitled not only because of this contribution but as a fellow human entitled to love care compassion and with this financial dignity to ensure my wellness?  

As I was typing this blog post one of my neighbours rung me who is a DV survivor like me..... she has been watching the you tube video Black Dog named depression that I shared with you yesterday..... she was saying how this is how she can feel....... I was telling her I was narrating now on the blog of the challenge to "you do not look depressed" she can be jovial and active in the day but can be hit with depression and flashbacks and pain in the night and then cannot sleep... so you see depression is an individual experience there can be patterns and themes but not concrete rules as to a definition....She has seen me in a morning when I have been in the black cave and she has seen me in the afternoon and evening.... we have just been saying it is like a make over the before and after pictures..... so "you do not look depressed" does not mean you are not depressed or suffer from depression.